Abstinence-Only Teaching Part 2: Love, Lust & Loneliness

Dear Soulfull Family,

When we speak of abstinence, we often reduce the conversation to behavior—what one does or does not do with their body. But as with all matters in the Kingdom of God, Jesus invites us to consider the deeper terrain: the condition of the heart.

In this second reflection on abstinence-only teaching, we explore three forces often left unspoken in the conversation: love, lust, and loneliness. Each one carries a weight of longing that abstinence teaching alone cannot heal—unless it is rooted in spiritual formation, not fear or shame.

Love, in its purest form, is the divine intention that flows from the heart of God into creation. Yet many single adults are taught to suppress desire without being taught how to discern it. We were made for love; yet the 1^st order of love is to know how to identify real love and to know how deeply God loves each of us. His love for us is not conditional to how we behave. When this yearning is ignored or misdirected, it becomes vulnerable to distortion. As Paul writes, “Let love be genuine” (Romans 12:9)—not fabricated or feared, but shaped by Christ’s own self-giving way. The abstinent life must teach not just denial, but how to grow in the capacity to give and receive love maturely.

Lust, on the other hand, is often treated as the enemy of abstinence. But lust is not merely a physical urge—it is disordered desire, the grasping of something meant to be received as gift. Jesus did not say, “If your body causes you to sin,” but “if your eye causes you to stumble…” (Matt. 5:29). He was speaking of vision—of how we see others and set our focus on our own needs as well as God. Lust cannot be conquered by rules alone, but by inner renovation. What is lust? Strongs Greek concordance establishes lust as epithumia referring to sinful desires, and “passions,” as well as “desires.” Lust is the desire for anything that is sinful, such as illicit sex, intoxication, ill-gotten gain, revenge, or anything else that God forbids. Keep in mind even healthy desires can become lustful – money, power, etc. Without tending to our imagination, our gaze, our hidden ache, we remain unchanged, even while “behaving well” or accomplishing seemingly “safe” and approving goals. 

And finally, loneliness—perhaps the most honest and under-addressed source of distress. Jesus himself experienced deep aloneness in the Garden and on the Cross. Yet our churches too often treat loneliness as a phase or a flaw. Abstinence teachings rarely make space to acknowledge that holy living can still be accompanied by longing, tears, or nights of aching silence. But the Psalmist reminds us, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted” (Psalm 34:18). What if our loneliness isn’t something to flee, but something through which we might encounter Christ more intimately?

The danger of abstinence-only frameworks is not only the call to sexual holiness—it is that it sometimes bypasses the deeper work God desires at the heart level. A relational gospel is not behavior modification but rather a heart transformation. And that journey must pass through the hard and honest conversations —not around them.

Christ meets us on the journey not merely when we get it right. He’s in the trenches of formation/growth with us. He sees our longings, speaks peace to our shame, and invites us not simply to withhold—but to become and draw nearer to Him.

With grace and wholeness,

Chaplain Counselor

Deborah M. Jackson