Grief: Not a Condition to Heal

Bringing Clarity to the Human Experience of Sorrow

When caregiving ends, the silence can feel heavier than the work ever did. The empty space is not only of the one you cared for, but also of who you were — the life you knew before, the time lost at the age you were, the dreams you had. Maybe you were the steady responder and the anchor. It’s not that the love you had for your person is gone; it’s not that you and you were are no longer – now, the way you loved them has shifted, and so have you the person. Now, that

love must be rediscovered and renewed – the love of self and who you are and the person you cared for.I remember that silence when my mother’s voice and physical presence was no longer in the next room. I remember the quiet shock in my body when I realized there would be no more sounds to be alarmed about or food to prepare. What rose in its place was both sacred and disorienting — the realization that grief does not conclude when caregiving ends. The body, the heart, and the soul must all learn how to exist again without the rhythm of service and constant watchfulness. There can be such trauma left in the body with such sadness and grief that has not yet been explored.

Grief Is Not a Condition to Be Healed

Spiritually, scriptures are often pulled to comfort; yet, can be used to silence the sorrow and pain of loss as if any scripture can replace one’s commitment to be present with the bereaved while journeying through it. From the collective church we have much to learn here. The word healing is often used, as if grief were an injury to repair. But the gospel tells a more honest story. While we don’t hear much about it openly – the reality is the disciples were human and so was Jesus. Their relationship with him would be one they still missed. While their hearts and character were strengthened for the calling ahead, I imagine there were moment the longing and missing of their friend, teacher and confident remained. Their wounds were reconciled, not removed.

Pain Is Not Pathology

In medicine, grief has a timetable. If one feels still immobilized by grief after a year, it’s often categorized as “Prolonged Grief Disorder”. This is maddening to me as a clinician. In faith communities, lingering sorrow can be mistaken for lack of belief and in medical communities it’s categorized as a disorder. Both, misunderstand what’s happening. Some pain is not a sign of brokenness; it is the mark of love still finding its place. I believe this should be considered a new period of life adjusting and readjusting – it is life-long.When we numb grief, it doesn’t disappear — it relocates. True care helps us face the ache, not silence it. Grief that endures may not be dysfunction at all, but also an indication of something unfinished: a meaning or relationship still being reconciled.“We are not meant to fix what grief breaks, but to live faithfully within what it reveals.”

Reflection Thought

The truth is, we don’t “get over” the people or seasons that have shaped us. The pitch of grief changes, but its music remains. What God restores is not the absence of pain, but the capacity to live honestly within it — to find Him there, to rediscover purpose, and to see our wounds as witnesses of love. And, instead of placing a diagnosis on the very personal human experience of grieving we must improve capacity for clinicians, church, and community to recognize with greater sensitivity the signs of sorrow – learning how to place support beams instead of assigning theory and diagnosis with jaded attempts to make it better.